On tears

“Your fragility is also your strength.” 

Pina Bausch

I realised, after cursing it for many years that my default “crying” mode is actually a blessing. This is the way my body copes with intense emotions and releases the blocked energy. When I have a traumatic experience, a shock, unfairness, injustice, or a conflict with authorities (this is a killer) the flood of tears are ready to burst..immediately.. just like that.. swish..swoosh..swish

Crying always brought shame to me. First my voice cracks and then the trembling starts, my throat dries, the inhalations become rapid, my heart starts racing, my face gets animated as I can’t control my twitches, hot flushes all over my body, I blink as my eyes well... whoosh. Here I go again in front of a nurse who was rude to me, a headmaster who denied my right to go home, a situation where I can’t say what I want to say in order not to hurt anyone despite my own pain. 

This innocent act of releasing emotions makes me feel so self conscious as I know well that I look ugly, miserable and fragile... Ahh the weakness, looking frail, representing womanhood with my soft tears while all I ever wanted to become is a strong woman. After a good old cry, I always fantasised being just like the sister from Frozen; cold hearted and blooded so that those hot tears would freeze on my cheeks when I was standing up for myself in front of someone with power who was openly being unfair and mean. Or I could also try to be calm. 

One of the breakthroughs I had about this shame around crying was after reading Sheryl Sandberg’s book “Lean in”. In her book she says when her emotions come to a point where she cannot hold them anymore she performs “the act of releasing” aka crying, then washes her face and  moves on. I can’t tell you how comforting it was for me to hear this from an influential woman. 

After a very slow awakening only very recently I’ve made more peace with my acute sobbings. Bert Hellinger, a German psychotherapist, said “If the primary emotions are experienced fully, they pass without leaving any mess behind.  If we let them be they don’t turn into secondary neurotic feelings.” I realise now those tears actually look out for me, they protect my sanity. Crying is a reaction my body gives to release the blockages in my system which could otherwise turn into more traumatic experiences like closing my heart to people.  By trusting my body for its own purification process in dealing with stress I’m not being weak but growing stronger. 

Now whenever I cry I pat on my shoulder and say to myself “Good job! Let it out.”