50 days in the jungle

El Zopilote... My jungle home. Where can I start and how can I end... No hot showers, rice and beans twice a day, living in a tent for weeks, bitten and beaten by mosquitoes, waking up several times a night to the noises of the crazy monkeys. To my sleepy self this sounds like a battle of Animal Kingdom. Too many things that I wouldn't especially choose to live with normally but still I wouldn't change these to any comfort in any city as on the other side of the coin the life is pretty awesome here. This place has opened so many doors for me... one of which even opened to my heart where I found more of my genuine self.

I remember the first day walking down the path in the jungle asking to myself 'can you really commit for a month here Tugba. But really??' Here I am now after 6 weeks I can bloody stay here for a hundred times more. I know it's time and I'm ready to leave but I still find it sad to leave this cocoon and to be out there in the 'real' world. This is the place where I saw a hummingbird with my naked eyes and have become more of a hummingbird just like my crazy old friend Joey calls me. I howled and howled like a wild wolf and reunited with her once again through my breathwork. At that same breathwork session I had a breakthrough with my dad so unexpectedly and met a little being called 'Moon'. I realised how much I have to share with the universe and the humankind and how much there is to learn. At this very place I've deepened my yoga practice and started teaching yoga with much passion and love, and without any sign of nervousness. I realized how much I enjoy holding space as a facilitator through my meditation, pranayama and embodiment work. I also had the honour to bring Children's Fire to my sharing circles and share some of the knowledge I got from the inspiring people and land of Embercombe.

At various ceremonies I looked directly into the eyes of strangers and announced my pain, guilt, love and whatever I was feeling with rawness and honesty. I felt vulnerable and fragile but also brave and authentic. I finally found the courage to sing in front of people despite not having the best voice. This was an important step for me in finding my voice and becoming more comfortable using it with grace and confidence. I used to think creativity wasn't my strong suit but now I've discovered a part of me which is creative and she can't wait to express herself through some sort of art and/or other practices! I'm now more aware when my ego gets in the way and I'm committed to tame it. There have been several occasions when my ego was badly hurt but I'm proud that I kept my heart open to those who crushed my self esteem and punctured my ego with or without intention. Here I've let go of a big part of me and been still grieving for it. I know that the grief is a sign of deep love which I now consider to be a gift and it shows how lucky I am being able to love and be loved so extravagantly and unconditionally. I also learnt how beautiful when someone witnesses your pain without any intervention but support you simply by being there without needing any words. It was such a great therapy when one of those people sang songs and played ukulele on a hammock next to me while I was sitting with all that grief.

I've been touched and moved by all the gifts I received as they all represented love, care and generosity. One of those even has become my home in the jungle.

Every morning when I woke up I stood in front of the jungle and expressed my gratitude to Motherearth. I love you Mother. I showered under the blue sky at the Japanese showers surrendered by plants and birds becoming one with nature. The cold water gave me shivers despite the heat but I welcomed it as I welcomed all my shortcomings and faults. I'm more determined to accept life as it is and find peace in simply being and sometimes let go of the urge to become something anything. For this I know that meditation for me is one of the great tools and I hope to embrace it fully. Most of my life I've seeked refuge in people and things but with the help of meditation and yoga I'm finding refuge within myself. I can't say I'm connected to myself fully but there has sure been a progress.

I've started writing more and realised how much I love words. I sometimes feel limited in expressing myself and find it extremely frustrating but now I'm making more time writing and it really helps me reflect on my experiences and process my feelings. I sometimes find myself overwhelmed with all sort of emotions and feel the need to channel my energy and feelings in a meaningful way. I think during my time by this lake I have found some ways and I hope to expand on those as I go forward. It's been wonderful to FEEL but I'm now looking for more ACTION! I want to continue my humanitarian work but don't know in what shape it will come!

I learnt marijuana is a harsh teacher but also a great medicine. She shouldn't be consumed without intention and for the simple sense of fun. I also met a new medicine called Kambo which helped me purify my body while pointing me to the places that needed more attention and healing in my body. I sang and aum'ed my heart out at temazcals while sweating away the toxins and cleansing my soul. It was a special moment when grandma stones put in the middle with a prayer as it was a moment for me to honour my grandma who passed away exactly a year ago on that day.

At the end of the day it's mostly people who make life more special. I'm blessed with connecting with some really special humans. So many of them touched my life and a few my soul. Of course most of them have left something under my skin. I felt loved, cared, appreciated and respected. I loved being part of a community and really appreciated the simple moments like people responding to my 'howls' or 'cacaos' across the field, put their hand on my shoulder in the crowds and give me a big smile, let me stay in their tent while they sleep outside as I needed a place to crash, call my name across the room to check if I wanted a naughty puff from their menthol cigarette. I remember how my heart was filled with an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude while I was scanning every face around me under the full moon as each one of them looked so beautiful and the whole experience was mesmerising.

With all the highs and lows Ometepe thank you so much for everything you offered to me and thank you 'self' for saying YES to every opportunity and NO when your gut feeling said so.

Recently I've been having conflicting thoughts about posting anything about what I've been going through on social media as don't want to be seen as a social-media-show-off but the reality for this post is that I simply want to share some of those significant moments during my travels as my heart is so full and sharing for me is a great way of processing.