The Calling Homeward

This year started with a loss, but it also brought deep gratitude as well. The universe arranged for me to go home to Turkey, out of the blue, so that I could say goodbye to my grandmother, and get her blessings before she passed away. After many years, I realised that she actually truly loved me in her own way. Hope you're resting in peace babannecim.

I explored life on many levels, with lots of highs and with some dramatic lows. I skied down the slopes like a penguin, or you might as well say a clown, making many people laugh at me! For the first time, I stepped onto the land of mesmerising Africa, where I got the chance to put my whole life into perspective during a random workshop. In this workshop, I had a very special "aha" moment, when I discovered my purpose in life. I realised I'd known this purpose since I was a little girl, when my PE teacher asked me what I wanted to become when I grew up! In Africa I met every new day with yoga on the beach, with the first rays of the sun reflecting on my face with a gentle stroke of breeze. I met some adorable orphan elephants whose stories broke my heart before filling it with compassion. I kissed a giraffe (true story) and found myself inside an idyllic dream on a far far away island, where I could hear nothing but the sound of the waves and the birds around me.  A lizard came to visit us at this dreamland, which we named "Brian", and became good friends. 

Also while in Africa, I took a boat trip to watch dolphins on the Indian ocean. Harsh waves hit the boat continuously and mercilessly, and made me so sick that we had to have an emergency stop on a little island. That tiny island was solely inhabited by thousands of nestling birds, who obviously felt threatened by strangers' presence on their habitat. They started screaming and flying around me while my body melted blissfully into a natural pool on the island.

The festival season in the UK started in the wild, when the bluebells were out and I became a branch of a tree at a forest constellation workshop, which in a strange way moved me very deeply. Then came my favourite festival, with a dramatic temple burn which left me completely speechless. We made bread sticks on the remains of the fire, while sharing tales before dawn. That night I saw a few amazing shooting stars - but the most incredible one I saw this year came later, under the skies of Latin America during a meteor shower!

One of the most inspiring moments of this year was when I learnt how to prepare and make a fire with wisdom and intention. I dedicated my first fire to my womanhood, and to some important women in my life, including my maternal grandma, who I never met in physical life. I'm still carrying the ashes of this fire with me to scatter when I know it is time. That time will come when I fulfil the pledge that I made by this fire with a full heart.

I had the opportunity to go back and serve on the land which I'm connected with so deeply, and spent most of the evenings sleeping under the stars. I opened myself authentically and fully in sharing circles, and on one occasion announced myself to some ancient stones one by one, before I howled in the middle of them like a wild woman. This was only a few minutes after I'd found my voice, which had been trying to come out for a looong time but was stuck inside me. I have so much respect and admiration to the woman who held my hand while I was searching for my voice, and hugged me so tight after. You're my inspiration and my true wish is to become an empowering woman like you.

I received many nourishing hugs from many amazing beings - from the Hercules to an old man, from 800-year-old trees to my angelic mum.

I met Kali for the first time and my soul was washed by her intensity. I started to recognise the energy of many places, lands and souls which I hadn’t been aware of (or hadn’t been present with?) before.

I recognised that my integrity lies on a thin string, and is ready to fall immediately when something unexpected happens or something expected doesn't happen. This is an issue that I am committed to work on as I grow more mature and wise.

I burnt candles and set intentions to find my path on life's journey, with tears in my eyes and much hope in my heart. I lost and then found myself a hundred times, and realised even when I was lost that the land still knew me better than I did myself. Quitting my job, and packing my bag to set off for my dreams didn't feel like a thrilling experience as I prepared for my travels. There was so much grief in me as I was destroying and/or leaving behind everything I had built from scratch within the last decade. But on the first day of my trip, when I finally pushed myself out of bed and opened the door to face my new world, the colours of the sky, the smiles of strangers, the sound of music, the smell of freshly ground coffee, the warmth of newly baked bread, the joyful looks around me, and every tiny detail that surrounded me, reminded me that I hadn't lost anything. On the contrary, I’d gained so much, and that everything and everyone that meant something is still with me no matter how far I go. They all live under my skin.

The new year's word is equanimity. I shall work towards that.