Reflections

"Now that ICS is over, I wonder what you're gonna do." I was told. It was a convenient question considering the fact that my life was nothing but ICS, the project, my teams and the community for 8 long months.

                                                         

My journey with International Citizen Service had started exactly a year ago with many hurdles that I had to overcome and it continued in the same way with many more challenges to come. I remember well that the week before my scheduled flight to Bangladesh, we were still uncertain if I was able to make it due to some nonsensical bureaucratic reasons. I used to consider myself indecisive and not so ambitious up until then but I came to realise how determined I could become while I was trying to eradicate all those obstacles in my way. With all the ups and downs of what I was getting into, I knew it was going to be a big adventure but I just didn't know it would be such a tremendous experience. 

Life is full of strangeness. There I was in a country, which I was never attracted to visit before, and feeling all sort of sentiments but especially a deep sadness as I was about to leave the place which had been a refuge and home to me for the last 8 months. Who was I when I went there and who am I now? Well I've discovered so much about life, people, Bangladesh, development and ultimately myself! I was vehement about our objectives because I cared so much about the difference it could make to the lives of the people living in the local community! I cared about the impact of the project on the communities, on those people, especially on those young girls and women. It broke my heart every time I heard of a child marriage taking place. A wave of guilt swept over me every time I was told women were subjected to regular domestic violence. I talked to many women, some vulnerable some strong, some shy some outgoing. They all have something in common: they face inequality in many different forms. At the same time, I saw the light on their faces, that warmth and shyness in their smiles, and sometimes a glimmer of hope, hiding all the darkness behind their colorful outfits. Their voices weren't heard so much as their opinions were often ignored but they always chose loud and bright colours  -yellow, orange, red, blue and purple to wear. In this way, you could never deny their existence. I became more and more passionate about gender equality since I became face to face with this raw disparity. 

I lived and relived all the ridiculous moments of joy, frustration, peace, friendship, fear, gratitude, love, modesty, passion, heartbreak, admiration, bonding and hurt. In this country of contrasts, I experienced many perpetual contradictions not only externally but also within myself.

I have always been independent and a bit of a rebel on my own way. I left the motherland for good without much planned and almost no money, lived in my own world by myself with my rules [well plus home office’s]. Then I chose to quit my job and went away; strolled along the beaches of Southern Turkey and wandered the glorious Himalayas for a while. Next, there I was, volunteering in a developing country where I wasn't allowed to venture out on my own NOT even to the local bazaar. It was ironic to come so far to be contained but so frustrating. And I had to accept it. And there were many other things that I had to accept. I gave up on my ego on various occasions for instance, bit my tongue, cried a bit and kept going. It wasn't easy and sometimes people were so, so unfair but it was a profound learning experience. I believe that I took something from each difficulty and have grown in my own way.