Embercombe Diaries - Part 1

Part 1

VULNERABILITY

Lighting the Fire

                                                                                                                                       July, 2019

It was a vulnerable moment. Old friends and new gathered around a beautifully laid fire. As we sat down in a circle the invitation was for someone to light the fire and start the circle by introducing themselves and share what was alive for them at that moment. My old friend, Joey murmured to me “Maybe that’s you today”. I immediately said no, but an inner dialog started as recently I was challenging myself by saying yes to things that I tend to say no to. Here it was again, my first challenge. It wasn’t easy to say yes so I made a deal with my inner voice. I said “I’ll count until 30 and if no one makes a move, I'll do it” So I waited and counted until 30. Then I realized it was too soon so I gave another count, until 50 this time, disregarding the voices inside. Again no one made a move so it had to be me. I had a choice; break the deal and ignore the inner voice or take a risk. Take a risk... Take a risk.. I took a risk. 

It was a lovely Autumn’s day just after sunset. Our bellies were full with the nourishing food and souls happy to be back on the beautiful land where much magic happens; Embercombe. Everyone was seated silently, watching me making a slow move, picking up the matches, and giving my first try. It didn’t work. Keep it calm. Another strike, again and again but I couldn’t bloody light the fire even with this easy tool. It wasn’t like watching someone trying to make fire with friction where you admire the effort and determination. The conflict inside me between two voices was getting louder and I was getting a bit agitated as I could feel the energy in the circle rising. I could sense the rescuers were stopping themselves trying to offer a hand but I could feel that well-meant tension growing. On a normal occasion I would crack a joke or two and make everyone laugh and get away with it but we were in a circle and silence meant respect. As I kept striking another match Joey who was sitting just behind me like a protecting wall kept murmuring “Take your time, no rush, stay with it..” I felt raw and vulnerable, stressed and ashamed but I didn’t give up. The sound of the war inside me was so loud that I was worried others could hear it but I kept going. Their stares were loud but I didn’t mind. And eventually, the first spark appeared and ignited the rest of the fire. It was a gentle fire that relieved many souls after such a build-up. I smiled a little and the circle began. I was exhausted as if I went to war and back. 

This bare incident challenged and inspired not only me but several others as they could do nothing but observe their own reaction to what was happening. 

As I lay inside my bivvy bag on the long grass looking at the stars the same night I recalled every second of that experience. This place teaches something so valuable each time I come here and also holds me lovingly, just like a parent who holds space for her child to come out of her comfort zone so that she can be ready for more challenges that may come in her way, even if that means the child gets a little vulnerable, a little tender in front of others. 

That night I also shed a tear or two as I found some healing in the nuance of this incident. I experienced something that my little self never did, which was a fatherly voice saying “You got this, you can do this”. I have let go of many resentments from my past to be able to move on in the “now” and I feel this is the way the universe is showing me her support by allowing my inner child to have those moments of loving-kindness. 

Photo Credit: Emma Butterworth
Please note photos aren't from that particular day.