These days

                                                                            I

I'm feeling touches of sadness these days. My mood comes and goes between Bach's Air G-string and Yumeji's theme by Shigeru Umebayashi. Some afternoons I just want to curl up in bed and binge watch all my favourites; Haneke's raw and cold films, Won Kar-Wai's atmospheric and unconventional films and maybe some peculiar and touching films of Wes Anderson.

                                                                           II

On the other hand I'm admiring the countryside ablaze with phenomenal autumn colours, enjoying the crispy air and dancing with the wind when I go for a walk in the Welsh border. Autumn sun and deep and interesting conversations with Rob still cheer me up while Jude's delicious cooking and art nurture my body and soul. I know I'm so blessed to have such wonderful and diverse friends in my life, from whom I learn not only profound knowledge but also how to live well. These days I've become obsessed with I Ching (isn't it fascinating? Why did I never try it before?), explored Integral theory which I find so illuminating and useful in combining separate paradigms, and have been so moved by one of Jude's sculptures Persephone - Goddess of Spring from the Greek mythology. This encounter reminded me how I was awestruck by David - a sculpture by Michelangelo in Florence. I spent the whole afternoon sitting and admiring it until it was time for the museum to be shut. .  I'm not very sophisticated in sculpture and wouldn't be able to talk about in depth but oh boy I can for sure tell you  how it makes me feel and affects me deeply for hours. My daily routine now includes spending a moment with Persephone. I don't know what it's but it moves me so much. Isn't she just beautiful?

Compared to the last two weeks in Embercombe which were spent in constant state of flux with big, big feelings, so much adrenaline, contentment, excitement and exhaustion, it's been so lovely to land into this calm and quiet countryside home filled with love and care, and smells cinnamon and fulfilment. Every morning as I sip my cup of tea I watch the birds feeding from the bird feeder food one after another. The other day I saw a gorgeous woodpecker for the first time ever in my life which felt like a big occasion as I jumped off my seat. And when I saw Jude and Rob kissing in the kitchen the other day I giggled and almost shed a tear. 50 years together and what they have is still so alive. 

                                                                       III

In all of loveliness I'm also feeling a bit empty. It's been a year since I packed my bags and left on a jet plane. So much have changed since then but one thing's remained; my nomadic lifestyle which have been amazing and rich in many levels but I'm now so ready to settle back. I want to be grounded and find my centre again. I've lost my mojo and motivation a bit recently as it usually happens when my routine is broken. In one of the circles in Embercombe someone said "How can I grow if I'm not rooted?" which resonated with me deeply.

My name, Tugba (Tuba) means "tree in heaven".  The upside down tree. The roots are up in the air and the branches down below. I had always this calling to go, go to far far places. In fact I still do but in this current climate my desire to find a home. A nest that will keep me warm during cold and dark winter days. 

Evim olsun istiyorum. Penceresinde hanimelleri yetistireyim. Ici ihlamur koksun. Bedenime tapinak, ruhuma siginak olsun. Bu doyumsuz icsel yolculuguma devam ederken beni disimdan sarip sarmalasin. Geceleri ay isigi, gunduzleri gunes isigi sizsin her araliktan. Huzur dolsun. Valizlere tikilmis hayatim ferahlasin, bir nefes alsin. Yuvam olsun. Benim olsun. Kokleneyim. 

Those words poured out of me the other day. I don't think a translation is needed. It's more soulful this way. 

                                                                        IV

"What pearls might you find in the ocean of emptiness" a complete stranger asked me today with the calmest and most comforting voice "What if you dived into it.. what might you find there?".  She then added "You're completely at home in that ocean, singing songs as you hunt pearls. "

And I saw a rainbow.